Rhymington FC are celebrating their arrival in the premier division of the English football league by launching their club onto the stock market. The new company will be known as Rhymington FC plc, and it is expected that the company's shares will be snapped up by the thousands of Rhymington fans. 1. .........................

This is not quite the first time the club has occupied such a lofty position. At the turn of the last century, Rhymington were one of the nation's top clubs, but hard times followed. 2. ......................... The turnaround in the club's fortunes can mostly be attributed to one man - Jake Bretton. Mr Bretton is a former player at the club who went on to make millions with his Sunbird chain of cinemas and leisure centres.

Asked why he was taking the club public, Mr Bretton explained that he had been the club's owner since 1976. 3. .......................... Mr Bretton admitted that he hoped that the money from the IPO would be enough to upgrade the ground to the standard required for the premier league, and, with luck, enough to bring some high-fliers in the national game to the club.

It is expected that the IPO will be for two and a half million shares in the first instance, with one tranche reserved for members of the Rhymington FC fan club. 4. ..........................

If everything goes according to plan, and the club finds itself in the top half of the table by the mid-season break, punters might fancy a flutter on these shares in the hope that the club manages to bag itself a European cup place. 5. ..........................